Etiquette provides basic rules for how we interact with other people. And good manners help us make a good impression. Two ver successful flms exemplify the stor of how learning manners changes a person. One is the flmMy Fair Lady, which won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 1964. It is set in early twentieth-centur England. In the stor, a colonel and a university professor made a bet on whether he can teach a vulgar flower seller from the bottom of the social ladder good manners and proper speech, making her into an elegant and well-groomed fair lady. The flower seller receives strict training, learning to pronounce high-society English and use appropriate vocabular and grammatical structures, how to choose and wear clothes suitable for different social occasions, how to eat gracefully at the table with the correct use of cutler, how to talk at the table, and so on. Another example comes from The Princess Diaries, which tells the story of an ordinary American girl who suddenly learns that she is the princess of a fictional European country. She attends a princess etiquette training course and is transformed from an introverted, shy, and a bit clumsy girl into an elegant princess.
Films are fictional, and we won’t be in either of those extreme situations in real life. However, we may move to a new school to study or travel, work, or live in another countr. Therefore, we’ll have to learn new rules. This happens to Dora in the popular American children’s adventure film Dora and the Lost City of Gold (2019). The main character is a young teen, Dora, who has been living in adventure film Dora and the Lost City of Gold (2019). The main character is a young teen, Dora, who has been living in adventure film Dora and the Lost City of Gold (2019). The main character is a young teen, Dora, who has been living in the jungle with her parents and is entrusted to the care of her cousin’s family in the city. Dora goes into the city to start her high school life and needs to learn the rules of etiquette in her new environment.
We will all work with others in the future, and dealing with people in different occasions. On a less formal level, we will all find ourselves as guests in other people’s homes or invite them to our own homes. Whether as guests or hosts, handling the rules of etiquette on these occasions helps us treat others with respect and be successful.
Rules of etiquette have changed throughout history, varying both from time to time and place to place. “There’s not really a right way or a wrong way” for many rules, says Nicole Barile. She heads up WANDR, an American company that offers intercultural training for people in business, students, and others.
Knowing the values of different people can help us understand why their rules are different. Guidebooks and Internet sites can help us learn some of other groups’ rules. Finding opportunities to meet people from different backgrounds is also a good way to do this. For example, going to ethnic festivals of different nationalities or interacting with students from other places online helps us learn their cultures. Reading up in advance of meeting someone from a new culture or going to their home can help us be prepared. When we are in a new situation, watching others and listening are also good ways to learn the rules of etiquette.
People often worry about the rules, but in fact, it is not difficult to understand and learn the rules, so there is no need for us to be anxious about having to follow them. At its best, good etiquette can improve our lives, help others feel more comfortable around us, and help make society run more smoothly and harmoniously.
Be patient too. Learning etiquette is like learning a language, Barile says. “It takes time!” The more we practice, the more we will develop our style and confidence.
Guiding Principles
Basic principles guide good manners across cultures. Perhaps most importantly, be kind and think about others’ feelings. As a general rule, we should treat people the way we want them to treat us. As the ancient Chinese said, “Don’t do unto others what you don’t want done unto you.”
Respect is very important in the rules of etiquette. The 3D-animated film Elemental, released in 2023, introduces Ember, a tough,quick-witted and fiery young girl, who breaks down perceptions and prejudices when she develops a cross- community friendship with a funny, playful boy named Wade. When Ember decides to leave Element City at the film’s end, she bows to her father, echoing the bow he made to his own father before leaving Fireland. The bowing here is a metaphor for the passing on of cultural or family traditions. It expresses her gratitude to her father for his influence and teachings, and it symbolizes her acceptance of her role and responsibility in the family as his daughter.
Respect goes beyond social rank. We must be polite and respectful to everyone . For example, saying “please” when asking for help and saying “thank you” when getting help. When we have an appointment with someone, we should arrive five to ten minutes early in case delays happen on the way. If a problem does come up, let the other person know right away and apologize for any inconvenience caused.
Rules in Greetings
In the opening ofBeautyandtheBeast (1991),the heroine walks through the center of the village and greets the villagers along the way with a smile and a “Hello!” Etiquette across cultures includes greeting others. The proper way to address people depends on the situation. We might use someone’s personal name if they’re our own age. But if someone is older or holds a position of authority, we would likely address them by their surname with a title to show respect, such as Mr. or Ms.
People in different countries or cultures greet each other differently when they meet. In the Americas, Brazilians often greet each other with a hug, while many Americans only hug someone they know well. They just say hello or shake hands with other people.
When we go to places with different cultures, it’s necessary for us to observe how people greet each other. Even the most common handshake requires attention. When shaking hands, we usually use some pressure to take part actively rather than letting our hands hang limply. But don’t shake too hard, or the other party will feel uncomfortable! Also be aware of the setting. In a job interview or other formal setting, for example,job seekers should wait for the interviewer to extend their hand first, and people with low rank should wait for their superiors to extend their hands first.
Be Welcoming: Making Guests Feel at Home
Good manners make other people feel welcome and at ease. In another scene from Beauty and the Beast, Belle, who has been forced to stay in a gloomy castle, feels very depressed. She goes to the dining room with a sad face. At this moment, the supervisor enthusiastically sings “Be Our Guest” to Belle. Belle feels relieved and smiles for the first time since her detention. Hosts must make guests feel special and comfortable.
For example, when we invite guests over for dinner, we should prepare the food in advance. Then we will have plenty of time to talk with them rather than being busy in the kitchen. It’s also good to find out which foods someone doesn’t eat, so we can choose appropriate ingredients for the dishes to avoid embarrassment. If it’s someone that we are not familiar with, we should learn about the guest through mutual friends in advance. This will make conversation flow more smoothly.
When guests arrive, we should greet them, welcome them into the house, offer to take their coats, and invite them to have a seat. In Western culture, it’s typical not to give a full tour of the entire residence to guests. Instead, it’s common to inform guests about the location of amenities such as bathrooms and trash bins. Hosts often also offer a beverage or show them where to help themselves. When hosting multiple guests, it’s important to establish a friendly and inclusive atmosphere where everyone can participate in conversation. In situations where most guests are familiar with each other, it is important to pay extra attention to those who may be less familiar and engage them in conversation to help them feel included. Additionally, it’s important to be mindful of any special needs or preferences guests may have. For instance, if a guest is afraid of dogs or allergic to cat fur, it’s considerate to promptly relocate pets to another room.
Communication Styles
People from different cultural backgrounds have different ways of communicating, and understanding other cultures can help us avoid hurt feelings. Suppose we invite people to a party. A Dutch or German person may just say no if they can’t come. People from Germanic cultural backgrounds tend to be straightforward. But this may seem blunt to someone from the United States, and Asians often explain more politely why they cannot attend.
Similarly, people in some cultures get right down to business after saying hello. In other situations, people ask about family or discuss other topics before turning to work.
In our conversations with others, there may sometimes be gaps, and to avoid awkwardness, we need to engage in small talk. We might comment or ask a question about the weather or a local sports team, for example. When conversing with others in daily life, if we find that a topic seems to be causing embarrassment or upset, we need to take the initiative to change the topic or give others the opportunity to change the topic. When gathering with multiple people, the organizer can start the party with an “opening statement” at the beginning of the gathering or invite the most important guests to say a few words first. If you’re one of them, don’t go on too long!
A 2017 study led by a team from Harvard University’s Department of Psychology found that asking questions can make us likeable, thereby fostering relationships built on listening, understanding, and caring. In essence, asking shows that we value others’ perspectives, are interested in understanding them, or care about issues they may be facing. However, there are also rules to asking questions as each cultural background has topics that people are unwilling to discuss. Asking about or persisting with questions that someone has politely declined to answer is considered impolite behavior. Americans generally don’task how much someone earns or what a gift costs, for example. Gossip about other people is also usually rude, especially if it’s nasty.
Active listening has rules that vary across cultures though it’s considered good etiquette in all. For Americans, for example, it’s polite to look directly at someone who speaks to you. But in Japan, too much eye contact is interpreted as disrespectful.
Respect for Personal Space
Personal space refers to the distance that people unconsciously maintain from others in their daily lives or, rather, the “comfort zone” around their bodies. Respect for personal space is also good manners. Ursula, the sea witch, is rude when she crowds Ariel in The Little Mermaid. How much space is enough depends on whether someone is a stranger, an acquaintance, or a close friend or family member as well as their culture. What’s acceptable varies from country to country, a study from 2017 shows. Researchers found that, on average, people in Argentina felt okay if strangers were about 0.75 meters away. In contrast, people in Romania preferred strangers to stay an average of 1.4 meters away.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, public health officials often warned people to stay even farther apart in public . A 2022 study suggests those warnings may have changed people’s views about how much personal space is polite, and people’s generally accepted personal space has become larger.
Gestures
People’s understanding of gestures varies in different countries and cultures. Some gestures are welcoming while others are rude. If Americans want you to come closer, they hold the palm of a hand up and curl the fingers towards themselves. Japanese people, however, may hold the palm down and move the fingers back and forth. The gesture from Americans is considered impolite by Japanese people, and Japanese gestures may make Americans mistakenly think they should go away.
Other gestures show consideration for others. For example, it’s good manners to hold the door for someone behind us. If we get there together, we can wave the other person through first.
In our daily work and life, there are many gestures we can make. For example, knocking on a door before entering even if the door is open, raising a hand to speak in a group, standing to greet someone, and more are polite ways to show respect to others.
Mealtime Manners
When dining with a group of people, it is customary to wait until the server has served all individuals before beginning the meal. On more formal occasions, the waiter will also pay attention to the order of serving, such as serving the person with a higher social status first or generally serving the ladies first without distinguishing between social statuses. This is all part of table manners.
Dining etiquette also varies due to differences in national culture. In western countries, it is customary to serve food to ladies first. But in Nigeria, honored guests get food first. Then they serve the oldest male, other men, and then women and children. American families often pass dishes around a table; they do not designate one person to serve the dishes. Instead, each person serves themselves the amount they want from a serving dish or, much less formally, from the pot.
Different countries use different cutlery, and the associated etiquette varies. At formal dinners in Europe and the United States, for example, we will see many forks, spoons, and knives. Each knife and fork has a specific purpose, including eating the appetizer, main course, meat, fish, cheese, etc. It’s embarrassing to use the wrong utensils at a formal banquet. In the movie Titanic, there is a scene where Jack is invited to a first-class dinner and feels a bit confused when he sees so many utensils on the table. “Just start from the outside and work your way in,” the character Molly tells Jack. In Western dining etiquette, the outermost utensils are used for the first course, and then utensils are progressively used inward for subsequent courses. Beyond the silverware tip, Molly’s behavior shows kindness and a willingness to help. This is also a manifestation of caring for and respecting others.
Etiquette is important even when eating with the hands. In India and parts of Africa, people take food directly with their right hand; it is considered impolite to take food with the left hand.
Etiquette is a series of social norms, rules, and behaviors that guide our behavior in various situations. Knowing proper etiquette doesn’t mean we’ll do everything perfectly, but rather provides a framework for our behavior, allowing us to interact with others in a considerate and civilized way, improve the feelings we evoke in others, and also improve the quality of our interpersonal relationships.
