Young people’s bodies change during adolescence. Their thinking and reasoning skills change. And their relationships with others change as well. Changes in relationships are a normal and natural part of growing up. Yet those relationships can sometimes be confusing.
Adolescents face a big challenge：they need to figure out their identities, or who they are in the world. At the same time, teens often feel insecure about how they fit into society. The conflict is one of the major stages of psychosocial development that psychologist Erik Erikson described in the mid-twentieth century.
Developing a good sense of yourself in relationship to others is important. That way, “you don’t just jump into responsibility, like suddenly you’re a grownup,” says Raina Denmark, a clinical psychologist in Fort Collins, Colorado, in the United States.
For guidance, teens look to people around them. “In order to develop an identity, you have the model of your parents, and you have the model of your peers,” Denmark explains. Peers in this case are people in teens’ own age group, often their friends at school or in their communities. In most cases, teens “push their parents away and become more peer-focused. ” This usually starts around age thirteen, and it’s a big shift from earlier years when children often aim to please their parents and other adults.
Relationships with Mom and Dad
Teens need some independence, so they want some distance from their parents. At the same time, teens still depend on those parents for many things. Parents usually provide housing, food, and other necessities. Strong emotional bonds are important as well. Teens don’t want to give those bonds up—especially when they love their parents.
“That can create a lot of confusion for the adolescent and also for their parents,” Denmark says. Fortunately, if young people and their parents had a good relationship during the earlier stages of childhood, “there’s a really good chance that connection will continue in adolescence, even though it will be tested and strained,”she adds.
A recent study shows how good relationships with parents can help teens’ mental health. Researchers at Pennsylvania State University in the United States surveyed 388 young people from 202 two-parent families three times between the ages of twelve and twenty. The researchers rated the youths’ closeness with their fathers and mothers based on how often the teens so ught advice or support from parents and how frequently the youths shared their inner feelings with parents. It also included the assessment of participants’ weight concerns, symptoms of depression, and self- esteem.
The researchers found that young people who were close with their fathers was linked to fewer worries about weight for both boys and girls. Closeness with moms correlated with fewer concerns about weight only for boys in early adolescence. Young people had fewer symptoms of depression across their teen years when they were close with their fathers . Closeness with moms was correlated with fewer symptoms of depression around mid-adolescence.
Both boys and girls had higher self-esteem from early through mid- adolescence if they were close with their fathers. Closeness with mothers was linked to higher self-esteem for girls across the teen years. Boys who had close relationships with their mothers had higher self-esteem in their early and late teen years.
“Parents can promote their adolescents’ healthy development by fostering emotionally warm , accepting, and supportive relationships with them,” says study co-author Anna Hochgraf. Her group shared its findings in the October 2021 issue of the Journal of Family Psychology.
If teen-parent relationships are struggling, various programs can help. A September 2021 study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology suggests learning better listening skills improves relationships . Even something as simple as a focused talk might help.
In one study, some teens who came with a parent to see doctors at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia in the United States got a booklet. It had three messages: Adolescence is a time of change and opportunity for young people. Teens need to stay connected to parents even as they develop their own identities. And parents and teens should talk about the strengths they see in themselves and in each other. Examples might be kindness, creativity, or working hard.
Two months later, teens who took part in the program said they felt less stress as well as increased feelings of happiness and calmness. The opposite was true for a group of teens who didn’t take part in the program. The researchers shared the results in the Journal of Pediatrics in July 2020.
Forging Friendships
Teen s’ relati on ship s with their peers also change . At many schools, students informally organize themselves into small groups . If a group is open to others with similar interests, it can be a positive way for teens to fit in and find acceptance . And if group members share values, that can help as well.
Unfortunately, some groups, or cliques, focus more on ways to exclude others than on seeking commonalities. Often, they do this by using various forms of bullying. The groups then become a way to confer status, or social ranking.
One study found that the types of cliques in American high schools had n ‘t changed much ove r the preceding ten years. Groups at the top included rich, attractive teens known as “populars” as well as popular athletes, known as “jocks”. Groups in the middle included artistic and brain types, like members of drama groups and the kids with excellent academic performance. Also in the middle were “normals,” who generally didn’t attract any attention . Groups at the bottom might include teens who dressed in “Goth” style, usually all black clothes with black hair and nail, or were big fans of anime comics. The group’s report was in the Journal of Adolescent Research in 2018.
Perhaps more disturbing, bullying by clique members isn’t only directed at outsiders. Some teens try to advance their social status at the expense of others within a clique . One study of two thousand teens in eighth, ninth and tenth grades found that teens who were friends in the fall were three times as likely to bully each other by the coming spring semester，compared to teens who weren’t friends.
The researchers suggested that work to support and strengthen teen friendships could help shift the focus away from popularity and thus cut down on the friendly enemy or “frenemy” effect. Schools might broaden their extracurricular offerings, for example. or they might provide training to help teens focus on friendship skills. The study was in the American Journal of Sociology in November 2020.
Ideally, all teens can find some group where they feel accepted. But if a group doesn’t share your values or has too much infighting, think again about whether it’s right for you. As Erikson noted, the challenge in adolescence is to define your identity—not to let folks fighting about social status box you in.
Al so remember that close friend ships s eem to be more important in the long run than popularity. Popular teens may be high on others’ lists of who they would include at a party or other event. Others also may see popular teens as people with lots of social influence, but they may not feel an emotional bond with the popular teens. And they wouldn’t count on them for emotional support. In contrast, a close friendship is one where two people can trust and confide in each other about things that matter to them. They care about and support each other in both good and bad times.
In one study, Joseph Allen at the University of Virginia and others followed 169 adolescents from ages fifteen to twenty-five. Teens who had close friendships with someone in their age group at age fifteen showed lower levels of social anxiety, fewer symptoms of depression, and a higher sense of self-worth by age twenty- five than teens who hadn’t had such friendships, the group found.
On the other hand, there were teens who didn’t have close friendships but were otherwise popular. In the study, that meant that others at the school said they would want those teens as company . Those popular teens tended to have higher levels of social anxiety as they entered adult stage, compared to other teens, the group found. The study was in 2017 issue of Child Development.
There’s no easy recipe for how to form close friendships. One place to look may be among students you share classes with, especially small classes, suggests a 2013 study. You may want to find people who share your basic values as well. Guidance from the Johns Hopkins School of Public Health also stresses the importance of building empathy . Empathy is the ability to share someone’s feelings as if you were in their position. One way to nurture e mpathy is by aski ng so meo ne to explain how they fee l. Listen carefully. Try to see a situation from their viewpoint, and offer comfort if someone is going through a difficult time.Helping and taking care of others also can help nurture empathy.
Many adolescents also start dating during the teen years, although this varies in different cultures. In many cases, boys and girls may get together in groups first, and one-on- one dating may come later. However, students who don’t date a lot in high school can still be well adjusted.
In one study, researchers found no significant difference in how tenth graders with low levels of dating rated their own social skills and leadership qualities . But teachers rated those low-level daters higher in social skills and leadership than their medium- or high-level dating classmates. The study was in the Journal of School Health in 2019.
Being Comfortable With Yourself
Of course, no one is around other people all the time. And how you feel about time alone matters. In one study, US researchers surveyed teens about the reasons why they would choose time alone. Some teens’ reasons had to do with feeling uncomfortable with others . They might feel excessively shy or anxious, or they might feel rejected or unwelcomed by others. Those teens had higher risks for social anxiety, loneliness and depression, the team found.
Other teens, in contrast, valued solitude. They agreed with statements such as “I feel energized when I spend time by myself,” and “I enjoy the quiet. ” For those teens, time alone can be a chance to reflect on things, to rest and recharge, or to engage in creative activities. And they had no higher risks for loneliness, depression or social anxiety, the researchers found.
“The question is how to be alone without feeling like we’re missing out,” said Virginia Thomas at Wilmington College. She and Margarita Azmitia, another author of this study, shared their work in the Journal of Adolescence in January 2019. If you want to nurture the benefits of solitude, perhaps try to set aside a few minutes each day to do something you like to do alone. If, you find yourself alone when you hadn’t planned on it, think about what you could do to enjoy that time. Maybe it’s going for a walk, writing in a journal, drawing or just listening to music.
If you feel overly anxious with others or feel rejected, however, don’t be afraid to speak up. If you’re shy, for example, a counselor might suggest ways to cope with new situations . Perhaps you start with small gatherings,or maybe go to a larger gathering with another person. Or, you plan to stay for just a short time. Sometimes it also helps to see things from a broader viewpoint. Many situations that are new to you are new to others too!
Also speak up about any other struggles you may face. You have a lot of relationships that are changing. And your friends’ relationships are changing too. Tell a parent if you feel comfortable doing that. Otherwise, talk to a teacher or another trusted adult. Sometimes a friend’s parent can be a good person to talk with, Denmark suggests. If you have a close friend,talk to that friend as well.
If those choices still don’t work, talk with a counselor or mental health professional. And if there is in a crisis situation, reach out to crisis helplines which are available in most places for teens to call.
Dealing with relationships during the teen years can be confusing. But you don’t have to do it alone.
